Catching you up

Now that I have been taking adderall for a little over a year now, I'm going to see if I can track this.
To fill in the gap, some time in March 2011 I became very very sick. I found out I get a severe allergic reaction to veal and a couple weeks after that, I contracted a number of viruses at the same time.

During the illness, I tried to consume as many vitamin friendly foods as possible. I made the mistake of trying Gatorade to sooth my violent thirst- no one ever told me it only increases your capactity to absorb water, so it really did the opposite. Wonderful. Anyway, once I began to recover i realized something awful. My diet of bagel in the mornings, a peanut butter sandwhich in the afternoons, and a mircowave dinner at night... we're dead. By that I mean the very smell of any of those foods made me want to swear I'd rather never eat again than go back to it. I hated them.  I hated all food. But I just couldn't afford to change my diet. So I ate nothing. For months. I tried lots of things but the truth is, I started losing weight quickly and a lot of other illnesess came after that. One after another until I understood what everyone meant by the fact that not eating could get me 'sick'. I hated being sick. But i hated food even more.

Well, like I said, around that time I started taking adderall which is famous for killing appetites. And it killed mine soundly (as though I had much of one before). But I have more energy now and more of an abilty to control myself and make good decisions when I come home from work. Ever since I started taking them, sleeping in my car has been rare and I don't stare off and lose hours of my life in a haze anymore.

Also, about 6 months ago I got a new job I enjoy so I can afford a more varied and robust diet.

The problem of my being a workaholic and disinterested in food still lingers. Last week I weighed 99 pounds and just now I weighed myself, I am 104. It fluctuates just about that wildly on a daily basis and it directly effects my mood.

The first time I went to the doctor (before I got sick) I weighed in at 120. The hospital has me on record at 101.

My goal is to gain and maintain weight... if not for health then... I don't look like myself anymore. Even the photoshopped pictured look sickly. I don't even like to wear short sleeves anymore because my elbows stick out in a weird way. And my face is so long and my jaw is so boney... I don't know how anyone can think I'm lovely anymore when my clothes don't fit. So I haven't been taking any new photos more than I have to.

Even the maid photos that Tim took looked... weary and wasted.

I'm thinking of going to a behavioral therapist although I have no idea what they could do to help me.  One thing I do know, I can't do this by myself.

But today was a good day for me.

Tuesday April 16:
- Almond Ensure Plus
- Three mini crumb doughtnuts
- 6 inch meatball Subway w/lettus, olives, ranch, and tomatos
- Baked Lays
- 2 subway cookies
- A bottle of Diet coke
- Bowl of miso soup
- half of a bento box (2 vegi Tempura, 1/2 cup of thin beef, 3/4 cup salad, 1/2 cup of white rice)
- glass of Crystal Light.

Forgot my medication this morning. I was woozy and exhausted all day.

fail

Jan 04-
lunch but instead of an apple I had a potato

Jan 5-
lunch
dinner- tbd

I'm so bad at this...

Running on Empty

I had an epiphany last night.

Monday and Tuesday were amazing productive days. Why is that? I think I have the answer- food. I ate like crazy when I was at home. Don't call me stupid or anything but I just noticed.

If you have not been able to see, I have not been eating very well this week. practically no dinner and in total, I think about 4 hard boiled eggs for breakfast. Just lunch. and yesterday I forgot to buy apples so it was just a sandwich, soda, and cupcake. SO NO DUH- I fell asleep in my car again. Got home, parked and promptly curled up and slept for 2 hours there in my seatbelt. Once I got inside I didn't have the energy to do anything. I sat on the floor and stared at my knees for a while, barely thinking.

It's a vicious cycle though- I don't eat, so I don't have the energy to cook. and that's what happened last night. After an hour or so I was awoken to the fact that this was pathetic. and as I tried to move, it hurt. So I just went to bed instead.

I honestly have no idea how to solve this problem.

Also, new fact- if I don't get enough protein in other parts of my life, hardboiled eggs in the morning give me a sodium headache. which makes me afraid to eat them.

Oh holy crap.

Thursday Dec 02, 2010:
- one hardboiled egg
- peanutbutter sandwhich, soda, cupcake

Friday Dec 03, 2010:
- TBD

SKipping the weird that was Thanksgiving:

Sunday Nov 28, 2010:
- scrambled egg, one strip of bacon
- Arbby's roast beef sandwich, pom soda
- 5 chipsahoy cookies

Monday Nov 29, 2010:
- pom soda, Peanut butter sandwich, apple, two chipsahoy
- small slice of leftover birthday cake

Tuesday Nov 30, 2010:
- Peanut butter sandwich, apple, Pom soda, cupcake

Wednesday Dec 01, 2010:
- One hard boiled egg (I didn't feel like eating the other one)
- Peanut butter sandwich, apple, Pom soda, half of a brownie

see a pattern?

Thursday and friday went as usual I believe.

Saturday Nov 06, 2010:
- A double cheese burger with added lettus (McDonalds)
- a few oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I made
- Gaja cheese omlet, ramune, some bites of a parfait
- Water

Sunday Nov 07, 2010: Fast sunday
- 1 oatmeal chocolate chip cookie
- chilie dinner (cheese and sourcream), small salad, cup of water
- 2 1/4' slices of bananna bread

Monday Nov 08, 2010:
- two hardboiled eggs
- peanut butter sandwhich, apple, diet caffeene free coke, one cookie one reccess cup
- 3 sugar cookies (FHE)

Tuesday Nov 09, 2010:
- - two hardboiled eggs
- peanut butter sandwhich, apple, diet caffeene free coke,
?

a hopefully typical day

Wednesday Nov 3, 2010

Breakfast- two hard boiled eggs
Lunch- Peanutbutter sandwhich, Apple, diet caffeene free coke, recese mini bar
Dinner- Date?